The wind is in from Africa, last night I couldn't sleep..

Anti hedonistic prose, memories of strawberry candies and simon games. Why did it take so little and then disappate into a constant hunger? Pleasure I mean and its ever elusive definitions.

Will&Grace redeems me even if Grace did leave Will to get married and have a normal life. What's the point. The husband (harry conick) will never be in scenes that distract from Wills asexual hold on Grace anyway. Karen is my hero and I love her!!!

My monitor has a dull hue that I am too lazy to remedy. The only real control is self control. Fear is the mind killer. Lust is what happens when love finds limitation. Perhaps, its to soon to talk falsely of futuristic predictions and daemonoid antics.

Where did I leave off. I still don't relate to late night programming. Feedback is good. Honesty is better. I like Conan O'Brian. He's perfect in some inexplicable way of mixing neo thinking punk counterculture and ivy league lernin. Its rad. I bet he doesn't get laid as often as he should. He's too revealing. People judge you by what they know of you. The more mystery a person can maintain the more control of image and how it effects desires. Its so crazy. I bet he wonders why chicks aren't all over him. He's funny he's wacky, he's loaded, he's educated. But his entire existance is based on improv.

Its a trip.

I had so many things to say. I guess I improv too. Freestyle is better. Will gangster rap liberate the millennium crisis? Will our neo profits reveal themselves in mystical forms. Will that which is not scientology dervived make sense of itself.

I used to sell porn and work in phone sex. I am so glad I gave that up. I found the skills I honed in those environments have made me a better and more well rounded person. That is what it would take after eight years of catholic school...

If I ran naked screaming down the street, it would be ok. Christmas lights are coming up. Putting a romantic glow over things again. I think the holidays are going to be flat, suddenly everyone is self conscious about celebrating. Our triumphs so mundane and ineffectual. What are we celebrating exactly? The fact that we are too simple minded to do anything really impressive or the fact that no one should have to anymore. lol

I don't know. I find these days I am more cautious and alert than before. Something is going to happen I can feel it again. Its not fear just this animal like instinct for the unknown to somehow feel familiar. I wait. We shall see what comes of it. Perhaps nothing. Things are changing on their own. Slowly, perhaps that is the problem. The pace of change.

I cleaned the fish tank last night. Yeah for the fishes!! I went to the fish store this morning and bought new filters and some 7 dollar food. They needed it. They seem more content now.

These fish are genuine troopers. I bought them to keep me company while peddling porn late into the night. Some got too big and I had to give them up for adoption, some died of bloat. I called dwp and had them test the water for bacteria. There was some but only like five percent they said it was nothing major. There isn't suppose to be any bacteria in the water, I think.

Do people even listen to themselves anymore? The more I listen to myself the less I feel like talking. Everything I have to say makes way too much sense.

I need to get my oil changed tomorrow morning. Do you ever look at a word sometimes and though its a common word one you have used millions of times it just looks wierd all of a sudden. And you recheck the spelling to make certain you aren't crazy. Then it passes what is that? I can see why people believe in aliens. Its a fun way of interpreting these strange occurances without having to actually give them too much power over your subconscience..

I needed to take a break and vent my brains out. I don't drink or do much other recreational vacating, except for you know what :)) so this is good. I am trying to amuse myself with simple thoughts of art and play. I still would like to go back to Europe. All I would want to do beyond that is write. I am sure. I have that sort of mind set. To much pensiveness only inspires me to move beyond it. I have had crazy dreams not fully sleeping of conversations in my head. Thoughts and feelings randomly expressed for the sake of sharing. I awake and I am so dizzy and emotional but its not really me I am someone else. Someone else yet me then I feel whole again.

I haven't checked my email yet. I feel the need to change my approach with some of the things I have been working on. I feel this frantic need to make sense of my present life. Why I do the things I do, the way I do them. But I know I don't have to. Some people think I have a crush on my boss. I have an odd unpredictable relationship with him for sure.

I love him, he's genuinely a good man, he's genuinely respectable, I think I can love anyone who is, but it's not every day you find them. I found him by mistake. I still cannot get over the fact that we click, we talk. We actually act ourselves around eachother and its so easy to do it. I like working for him, second only to having my own thriving businesses. He's the shit. Wise, punk, educated, a little green, its a loveable combination, he has ass hole sides too, but it all sort of comes together in a really funny likeable non threatening way.

I cannot explain it.

What do you think? I can't really imagine sleeping with him, I think our sexual attitudes are way too different. I think in some respects we are both really intense just for different reasons. He's definitely into the intricate complexities of me, honestly, it doesn't turn me on. Being "seen". I like to produce and direct my own show. Revealing what I choose, when I choose it makes more sense.

So what's my point? Feedback! Megan Mulullay I love you! If you were a lesbian I would love you. If I were a lesbian I would love you. I love you...