Thursday, December 30, 2004

Since then; being suddenly laid off at christmas time put a new spin on the holiday feeling.

I wasn't expecting much that much is good but scrabbling around trying to make this less difficult on myself was a challenge. For one I didn't deserve for two there was a problem and it was not me and finally one must make a living.

I felt isolated and on the verge of saddness. Not the kind that shakes off in a day or two but a real and deep saddness. It had been after all a mostly crummy four years. It had been a series of unrequited efforts to make something better. People I learned want their miser like others want joy love and success. People who have somehow learned to survive without those things learned to get pleasure from other things. Pain not the pain of an artist but the pain of torture the pain of torment the pain of self loathing. The kind of pain that never revives, learns a lesson, or finds the brighter side. Not the "pathful" pain.

I hope if nothing else I have managed to convinced the idealists in my life that you can do nothing to save a soul that prefers its damnation. Some people just get so turned around that any direction seems relevant to them. Sure it is sad sure it is wrong, but you cannot override a persons need to make a choice and stick with their choices no matter what it costs them.

I pray for a kind of peace I never knew could not exist. The peace of really living life. The freedom from the confines of the ego. The space from past experience. If every misadventure killed the taste for real life no one ever would chose to live in a real way again.

I regret knowing such a thing could exist in a world so beautiful. A would so sensible, so whole.

I decided just four days into my new life that it was time I had some pets. Time I had some sort of newness. Like a baby only something more simple something that could just be with me. Not need me but more share the kind of facination for the point of view of life that consumes me wholly. So much so that I can only shake my head at the destraction. The dramas just don't hold me like the visions do. The real minds focus.

Something happened to me that cannot be undone. I cannot describe it well enough to make it real to an objective persciever.

So Sunday, I cleaned out my old fish tank and let it dry. I went to the local pet store and selected a pretty little baby snake. A garter snake. She was brown and cream with golden hues that reflected a quite nobility in her subdued complexion.

I named her Sophia. Because it was the most lady like name that fit her demeanor. She was a clever girl, with an eye for little details. She was never bold or daring yet managed to slowly ascert her authority with me right away. Over a period of days she did not eat and seemed to tolerate my clumsy way of deciding what she needed to be happy. She fasted patiently. I added would pieces mostly because it looked nice, a coconut shell for a hut she could hide in, a water dish. Finally, I put some paintings I made years ago around half the tank. The pictures were intended to brighten up her view. Take the focus off me. Afterall she had not eaten and though I was not concerned for her health I was worried about my ability to please her and make her a happy new home.

I continued to ask questions and watch her. Most of my additions were creative not really understanding how wood peaces are good for there skin and keep the moisture low in the tank. I noticed she had a small cut just at her throat and made mental notes to keep an eye on it.

I bought some heat lamps a few days later. Next a fake plant to stick to the inside wall. I bought different kinds of worms but she would eat nothing.

Finally, I bought a new water dish which sank into the bedding of the tank making fishing less of an effort and more of an offering. She ate then.

Just before christmas, I went back to the pet store happy to report that she was eating. I bought a heating pad, thermometer, and finally another snake. Thinks were going well and two snakes would mean that she would be better able to maintain her identity as Sophia snake rather than pet of crazy human lady. I named the new snake Joseph.

He is a funny thing. He is much less inclined to accept me but likes me to know when he wants attention. He is more aggressive and while occaisionally thoughtful about things he is busy and not one to worry about little things..

I noticed he too had some afflictions and tried to do some home remedy vet work on him. Well both of them. It was not something they appreciated. I don't really touch them. I just watch them from time to time. They like to sun bathe and catch fish. They like to nap intermittantly during the day.

Joseph had cloudy eyes today. The books say that is a sign they are soon to shed. It looks more like pms. He just doesn't seem to want to do much but lay around. He isn't his usual active self. Not eating but drinking. The books say this is about a three day process.

I am hoping to get them to eat some worms over the next few days. I am not really sure how to get this to happen. Fish alone are not good for them. The like to fish though.

They see fish as food. I want to write to the authors of these books and find out how to get them to eat worms. I have a plan though I am not "confident" it will work. I thought my best bet was waiting until Monday when Joseph will have most likely shed.

Sophia now sleeps in the fake plant vines. I was thinking of getting them a hammock so the could sleep Higher. I learn every day something I didn't know before.

They take my mind off the futility of the "human world" one that is bound to make misery a priority. I find that natural honesty is refreshing. Something that just lets you in on the big secret. And the Secret is actually well sweet. :)

It makes me feel good.

I am still looking for work and going on interviews. Still trying to catch up to myself and what I want out of life.
This is so strange to even have to say such things that I find myself saying.

I have seen to much of life's misfortunes, of hethenisms, existentialist moron's, and human ego. I can't go there any more. I just can't take the damage. I need things to be sweet, honest, and good. I need life to just make sense for a change.

The addiction to unnatural things is going to drive the human race to exstinction. I see it in my mind all the time.

I see people playing parts oblivious to the cost. I see how convenient its all been. Racism, abusive, sin, etc etc some much life wasted. So many victims. I wonder when it will end. I wonder when it will just be life again.

Until then, I have Joseph and Sophia. My snakes!

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