Sunday, September 07, 2003


A lot has been going on with me these past weeks. I haven't thought any of it threw. There has been to much for all of me to do something with.

Now i am being told i get no where and need to relax. this idea asssumes too many things about destinations that are much to personal to be outwardly defined for consumption.

Sometimes there is simply more to be said than making statements sometimes its just about how i feel. i cannot apologize for that any more than i can disown any of it. Yet again it could just be time to let go once again. I would like to know, what is the point of holding on if letting it go is the inevitable part?

I get this sense that it is more than comprehension perhaps the question remains unclear because of the art.

I get caught between my "art". My intellectual need to communicate and transpire and then of course my fundamental need for love.

I think I struggle because the way of life has been altered. People go threw so much. Some repair is in order.

I care then I stop. Then I care again mostly its just drama. Even I see it as such.

I met someone I think I love. I trying to figure out how to believe in myself. It has been such a long time. I have not yet tried to just be me yet. But then how real is that idea beyond just this wall?

Whatever, a women's complexity will eternally be mysterious in a man's mind I suppose that is the point of man's struggle in the end. To embrace that which is and that which isn't.

Onwardly speaking, I am just living the life. Trying to decide the next course of action relevant to the goals in mind.

A painter without a canvas upon which to project the vision is indeed a chaotic existence. I will go on. I will write it down. I will love again.

Love is a funny thing. Something that is always coming and going. Something that is always wearing something unexpected. I suppose its not the presentation in the end but the experience for me. I have been so many people it would be expected if I just lost it all, all that was really real.

Alas these are over simplifications to appease the need for closure. Terror is something that lives in every heart. I live delicately beside it because it comforts me. Comfort because to know it is to know life free of it.

This is why i sleep alone because i cannot sleep without it's comfort.

The answer is subjective. I laugh again. I hate to admit it but watching my big fat Greek wedding always puts me in a space. It touches so many things that sit dormant in the back of my expectation that I want to believe it can happen. In the sense that life does in fact go on and that history does have a positive effect on the future. All of the underlying statements that the movie makes.

Perhaps there is life in this life that I have not lived yet. Though I doubt it without the proper definitives to reveal the vision of the concept.

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